my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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