Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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