she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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