I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
