Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
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I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
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Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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