Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
