6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
