apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.