So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
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I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
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Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.