My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?