OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
