I want to stick my p in your. b.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
