So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
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the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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