my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
