I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
