Quick, to the slutcave!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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