After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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