Moan for me like Helen Keller
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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