I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
