Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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