Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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