the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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