the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
