I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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