And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
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She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
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Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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