I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Randomize