There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
