do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
