he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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