I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
