forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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