sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
