Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i think i have two assholes
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
