no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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