god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
