Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
