Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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