On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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