Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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