JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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