drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
