At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
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The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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