Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
