Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
