if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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