I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
