I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
