It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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