He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
