if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
