Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
