We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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