I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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