oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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