I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
