Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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