I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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