Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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