Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize