Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
